April 1994

4-3-94 (12:15 a.m.)

Easter morning. Saturday was spent playing in flower beds, riding horses with Court and driving tractor with Seth, waiting for kittens to be born. We ordered many flowers, roses, a tree, grapes, etc. This is the first time I’ve had to solo Easter Bunny and two kids wanted it as always. I’ll hide eggs in the morning and baskets are ready.

The week off has gone fast and while I may be rested some, I still feel flat. I keep thinking Pam will be around the next corner. I cleaned the cana bed today and replanted. She had told me to stay out of that one, even to pull weeds. I am anxious to get gazebo up.

4-3-94

Easter - Resurrection! Kids had Easter Bunny visit early. We had to go to option 2 on hiding eggs as it was cold and rainy early. Kids were good to get ready for church and service was nice. We had breakfast with Granny and Papa after church, went to cemetery and had wonderful dinner with Alan and Margaret. Kids wanted to spend the night with Papa and Granny Anderson in Carbondale. This is the first time I’ve ever been alone here. I read an article in the Post-Dispatch today a about family whose son had a brain tumor and was not responding. They told the little boy it was OK to die. They asked that he paint a rainbow in the sky. The next night a rainbow was so spectacular that it was the lead item on the 10 o’clock news. She came to us in snow. Now she comes in plants and baby horses. During church I felt as if she could come back to be with us. Courtney wore the dress she wore to the funeral. The focus upon the grave and death and resurrection brought back the memories. We will honor her through the life of our farm.

If you love me, you will trust me. Pray and serve. These words were given to me a couple of years ago. No reason to change.

4-5-94

Courtney’s frequent checking of the cats paid off as the mother had 3 and had let them get cold. She lost one, but two are doing fine after Court helped warm them. Alan came over last night and helped Seth install a new program on the PC. Seth was proud of how he set up special menus for each of us. We start our last leg of school today. The break has helped us enjoy things of our choosing.

4-6-94

The cat had an extra kitten so we ended up with three. Shawn J and I had to travel to Harrisburg Monday and he shared his efforts at keeping his spiritual balance and family balance. We all need to keep growing toward the light and unveiling the pearl.

Up at 4:00 this morning, feeling rested and allowing good time for meditation. The last 2 nights, I have read Quantum Healing as I fell asleep. I have rested well. While clever, funny etc. watching D. Letterman at night probably isn’t restful.

4-8-94

Is our body merely a symptom of our soul? Tomorrow is Pam’s birthday. I had planned to talk to the kids last night about how they would like to recognize the day. Court received a call from a friend to stay over tonight and she wanted to do that. I didn’t want to talk about Saturday and possibly cause some conflict for her overnight. We will talk after she returns. Seth and I are going out tonight and will discuss options. I had hoped the gazebo would be completed, but David is coming tomorrow to discuss.

Images of Pam getting out of van, sipping that first cup of coffee with the blue robe around her, reading in bed, dancing silly in the living room - vividly flashing through my mind. When one is conscious of nurturing the soul, self indulgence becomes less of an issue.

4-8-94 (p.m.)

Today, something happened that I wanted to tell Pam and the response was so natural and I caught myself and said - wait, she’s not quite hear/here. I told her anyway. The first week after her passing when the kids went back to school, Courtney lay in bed one night and told that something happened at school and she wanted to come home and tell Mom and then she realized she wasn’t here. Tell her anyway baby. She is with Ward and Great Granny Richards and Pa Moreland and they all hear/here. Seth and I went to Brussards in Cape to eat. He had alligator tails. He wasn’t sure how he wanted to do her birthday. “I think mom would be happy to know we’re ok.” After a week back at work, I’m so tired nothing gained. Since Court is gone and Seth is busy, I’ll go to bed tonight.

4-9-94

Slow day with Pam’s birthday hanging over us. When I picked up Courtney, after learning about her fun, I asked her if she remembered this was Mom’s birthday, she hadn’t. Maybe I am overly concerned. She didn’t know for sure what she wanted to do. We bought some shrubs and a rose and some pansies and petunias. David came to look at the plans for the gazebo. It will cost a little more than I hoped, but it must be built.

Alan asked us over tonight, we had always gotten together for Pam and Chris’ birthdays. We played cards with Courtney taking Pam’s place. I still feel very lost and the kids seem to be adjusting better than me or we are all playing a good surface game.

Pam always bought a lottery ticket with our birthdays and ages. I bought one tonight with a 38. I was awakened last night by a call from work. This morning, it seemed like a distant response to a dream. The feeling was like much of the last six months. The care of the soul book is helping me with my daily focus. I will buy some copies to share. There is so much soul in the living room with Pam’s dolls and baby buggy and rocking chair and the antique reupholstered couch and chair of my Grandma Will’s and the old upright radio. Pictures of Pa Moreland, Grandma and Grandad Richards and dried roses from the funeral and lots of plants. Soul drips from the air. You can listen to the birds in the cedars in the front yard and see the young plum tree. I found a dead bluebird in the front yard today. It is hard to imagine how it died, but it reminded me…

4-12-94

This is where we are. We seem to be packaging emotional baggage. Is our life to be ruined or only tragically rearranged. Six months, minutes, or millennia are irrelevant to being here and now. Yesterday, Connie told me she has little patience with trivialities. I find the same, often wanting to say - cut the crap and let’s go. I am so glad we took the vacation to Destin FLA in 1991. We went through Montgomery, AL, and I enjoyed just piddling. We sat on the deck on the coast of the Gulf, drinking coffee and walking into the sunset on the beach. Those steps will never end. Are the best parts of the kids' life over or shall I continue to help them know/experience good/rewarding times?

Dad brought a birdhouse tonight. He is going to make bluebird houses. I told him I found a dead bluebird Saturday in the front yard. I still don’t know what to make of it. I held it - looked at it blue with brown breast and eyes gone. Pam’s birthday was Saturday, but who knows? The birthday girl had changed form, Angel from Montgomery.

4-14-94

School night. Open house for Seth with 8th grade orientation for Courtney. It was fun and we had a chance to visit briefly with the Mays and Haleys. Time goes on. I spent an interesting 2 hours yesterday with the union president and an employee who was distraught, wanting to kill himself and very angry at God. He agree to meet with the chaplain regularly. Doug and Beth just took three children of their cousin who was killed by her Muslim husband. They are asking for support and I’m trying to hook them with the people I know. Joann called this a.m. and asked if I could talk with David and his fiancee. While an interesting and curious timing of events with which I am interfacing, I find it comfortable to say my strength is not me, but the spirit. I hope I can leave baggage behind and open honest doors to the spirit. I left a “Care of the Soul” book with Steve Heath and bought one for the Haleys. It is such a simple guide that I feel it would help many. Seth is stepping up some and I am encouraged. Mike is coming tomorrow to help put in new kitchen floor. To believe in this living is just a hard way to go - when you try to control.

4-16-94

Yesterday, I wasn;t in sync and was depressed, wounded heart all day. I heard the song “Learning to Live Again” and had tears in my eyes at work. So very tired, I wasn’t sure I wanted Mike to come, but it worked out. We worked until midnight and all day today. Pam’s kitchen is now how she wanted it. Seth was down today and he and I laid in his bedroom floor and cried, “Nothing seems right anymore.” You said it son. We are disappointing each other. But we are both trying. Courtney and Jeni spent the night at the barn trying to get the cat to have kittens.

4-21-94 (6:00 a.m.)

Late nights are weary. Seth has struggled with his French paper, and actually spent much time with it but had printer problems. All is now well. He and I are trying to work together. Courtney is needing me to be with her at bedtime more with “don’t leave” games. I’m just going to stay until she goes to sleep, as I used to. Sunday she wanted to fish and it was a beautiful day. We both laid back on the pond bank and fell asleep. I awoke and let her sleep for quite a while. Work is so busy, I am having difficulty getting out on time. Went to Springfield Tuesday. When I need to step it up, the energy just isn’t there. My spiritual balance is uneasy and my schedule makes it hard to listen and tend to the needs of my soul. It is like a bird fluttering with a broken wing.

4-22-94

We all retired early last night. Thank goodness. The blood and water ran from Jesus’ side on the cross when pierced by the spear. Often, I feel as if my heart is a water balloon, ready to burst. Other times, a dancing light. I must honor and respect both occasions. However, when my heart has no feelings, I am blank and troubled. There was/is a challenge.

4-23-94

Seth was so upset last night/evening and misses his mother so much. He says I can’t know how he feels and he is right. He wants to move. We went to get pizza and we agreed we would have to go through our grief and wonderings about “why try” together. Granny and Papa were coming and I asked if he wanted to drive around more before we met them. He said he was good at acting. Lord help us through the next few weeks.

Cream had 4 kittens and Courtney is happy.

They called me from Alton to tell that Dr. Baig’s house had burned, no one was hurt physically. He and I became so close working together as facility director and medical director. His first wife was killed in an auto accident and we have shared good and unhappy times. Tom Johnson asked that I call him as he was very down. When I called, he wanted me to come and I will go next Wednesday while kids are in school. He has to be the Godfather to an extended family and can only be truly open around few people. My few people now include Cathy, Shirley, Connie, Tim, Ted, etc. (Karl)

Connie called yesterday and wanted to go to lunch. It is so helpful to share our “silly” needs, thoughts, and actions and to both understand that they are ok. I went to the unit where Shirley works to take something and the staff wanted to show me what they got her. She and I stayed in her office and shared our spiritual needs. Her church is not filling her need and she seeks that true fellowship of openness to explore ways to be close to the spirit and to give. There are seeds here.

4-24-94

The first warm early morning walk day. Yard looks nice and many birds are around. Yesterday was nice and busy at home. Seth sat on patio and read and Courtney helped mow a lot. David has the footings poured for the gazebo. I awoke this moring to Johnny Mathis singing “Chances Are” on the radio at 4:45, one of Pam’s very favorite. How to help ease the kids’ pain and loss is so delicate. Openness and being there to talk and touch. That is the frustration with work in that I don’t want trivia distracting me. I am having to let go of many things. I have no desire beyond today.

4-27-94

I spent my first night away from home without either Seth or Courtney Monday night. I had a trip to Dwight and I went to Springfield after work Monday. Kids wanted Granny Anderson to come stay with them and she brought her sister, Great Aunt Nita who lost her husband John last fall also. It sounds as if all had a good visit. In my driving and pondering, I felt that zI should make an extra effort to go into Seth’s world of comics and computers. When I returned last night, he asked if he could plant a flower garden. Of course. He was singing loudly Sunday night - “I still have her number, I can’t reach her anymore - I can’t reach out to touch her heart like I did before.” It’s good to hear him sing anything. I need to go plant Courtney’s Chinese cherry tree that arrived Monday evening.

4-30-94

Busy, rainy, cool. Seth had to leave at 6:00 to go to scholar bowl. Cleaned barn and put mew shaft on PTO of tractor. David came and made a lot of progress on gazebo. Court found her perfect dalmation. She fell asleep tonight with Felicia on one side and puppy (unnamed) on the other. Seth wants to plant flower garden and we started him with some bulbs and roses. He even went to the barn with me tonight to check mares. She was in heaven before she died. We will sanctify her hallowed ground. The salt from their tears washed out with the tide. I’m starting to have mew dreams. The moon can make the oceans stand still. For now we see through a glass darkly, but then we shall know.