December 1993

December 19, 1993

We are going to Centralia today to have Richards family Christmas. It has been 2 ½ months since Pam passed on and we are still trying to reshape these rituals in a way that maintains the spirit, love, and busy energy that goes with the holidays. Courtney has been so busy planning and shopping, to Chicago last week, and try to keep balance. Granny Moleland and the girls came over last night to help her build a gingerbread house. It turned into a pretzel type log house with lots of icing and detail that looks real nice.

Seth is growing up and trying to understand. He is more open in talking about the empty spaces. He is frustrated in learning to drive and not really being sure he wants to. I guess I’m somewhere in-between, staying very busy trying to do business and mother stuff. It does help being busy, but the energy level sometimes isn’t there. Reading The Snow Leopard and Quantum Healing along with Tao Teh Ching, which I was revisiting before the passing, along with the Bible, all reminds me of the energy and spirit which is there for us. Sometimes it is very powerful and pushes/pulls me forward. Other times I am not as open and have to get myself out of the way. Each day is an experience in emotional contacts and cycles which I am trying to be open to and to not label as “down”, “up”, ect, but to just acknowledge them and let tears flow or feel comfortable sharing positive feelings with others. It is easier at times than others. It is so important to be sensitive to the kids’ needs and provide them with the support they need. Seth wants his space with me “available” to support as needed. Courtney needs much more physical presence and Felicia and I are becoming common partners in helping Courtney settle in at bedtime. My morning reading and meditation time is so important to my balance and when I fall back to sleep and have to jump into school/work prep, it is harder.

We got the couch and chair back from being refinished and reupholstered and it is just like Pam wanted. There is much energy in this living room and it is becoming more natural to hang out there in the mornings.

In observing my response to our life changes, I notice that I am becoming extremely compulsive about maintaining order in small details. It is clustering around home chores and business issues now. I need to observe that the rituals I establish are helpful and not avoidance. Just taking care of the flowers and plants takes time and I enjoy. Even laundry is not too bad. “Stuff” at work is taking/receiving less of my physical and emotional energy and Shawn J has been very supportive. While we are making many changes at work affecting many people, I am able to do with surprising patience (to me) and little emotional baggage.

12/19/93 (11:00 pm)

Nice day at Mike and Darlene’s. I feel lost in this situation without Pam to help define what we do. I didn’t realize how much I let her set the pace around family affairs. I had two tires put on the van, preparing for trip to FLA. Courtney is sanding on swan tonite. Seth lost a contact this a.m. and I am losing patience with his unwillingness to accept my omnipotent help. We were both more mellow this evening.

I have thought about needing to write in journal form shortly after the funeral. I have not had the combination of courage, emotional and physical energy until now. Even in the beginning, I do not know where I will be tomorrow. I do know that the Eternal Spirit is always there, here, if I stay in touch.

Dec. 21, 1993

Last minute Christmas details and not forgetting special things. I’ve lost 2 tapes I bought for Courtney. Forgetting is more common for me. I ordered Seth’s contact and we will need to negotiate my assistance when he puts them in. At supper last night, both kids were very silly, but at least not picking at each other. They are increasingly nervous/anxious about Christmas.

The monument was set yesterday. It looks just as Courtney had designed. Seth wants no part of this, including cemeteries in general. He doesn’t want his mother to be just a number to someone in the future. I hope he feels, as he moves forward, that she will not be.

Courtney’s Christmas party is tonight. Grandma and Grandad are coming. Our family

has grown together so much. Mike and Jim and Linda are so solid and Linda sent me a very special sister letter. We are all laying aside petty things and seeking to “be” together.

Yesterday, I could hardly get out of bed - felt physically and emotionally tired and the warmth of the bed gave comfort. As I moved through the day, I gained energy.

Dec. 23, 1993

Seth and I went to the orthodontist in Alton yesterday. We had a good talk on the way back about death and dreams. It was healthy to discuss our private thoughts and uncertainties as person to person. He also talked about how he would miss mom as Christmas, but that he was trying to do what she would want. I am so proud of him. Courtney had school until 2:30 and Granny picked her up and they finished shopping. It appears we are materially ready for Christmas and blank spaces in our activity schedule are filling. The Piggs are coming tonight and we are going to candlelight service in Cobden on Christmas Eve. We received a card from Ron and Sarah Prather, Chico’s daughter who has been struggling with cancer for some time. She has a spiritual focus which has given her strength and is so willing to share. I feel the need to share the joy and power of the spirit with others as I acknowledge the depth of my sorrow and loneliness in missing Pam’s physical presence. If I do not grow spiritually from this, it is for naught. I must also help the kids deepen their spiritual strength, Seth is more open to this now and I feel Courtney will be, but in a more private way. We must also help Papa now, who is feeling very inadequate.

Dec. 25, 1993 (12:15 a.m.)

Just finished wrapping, putting presents under trees and in stockings, drinking the milk Seth left, leaving Santa a note, tucking the kids in and putting Felicia to bed. I felt that Pam is in the blue chair to see that I did it right. We went to the candlelight service at Cobden and when we came out, snow had covered everything. Pam seems to come to us in snow as she came on our anniversary 10/29, with 4”. It was so pretty on the green leaves and many flowers still in bloom. I told Seth that it was her anniversary gift to me. During the service tonight, I wondered how she would make herself known - knowing that she would - and the pastor opened the doors and said, “guess what”, “ all is calm, all is bright.” With candles aglow, was so touching. We are the Spirit and must never forget that.

Seth, Alan, and I spent until 1:00 am last night setting up his CD rom. We went to SAM’s today to get more memory and DOS bic. Seth is very good at working with P.C. Court and I visited Chico, Carol, and Sarah to see Dotty the dalmation. It is so important for the kids to have as good a Christmas as possible and everyone has worked hard to help. I am very tire, but love them so much that I look forward to 6:00 a.m. to share with them. Some of the gifts had been put in lay-away by Pam. Mary Ann finished the cross-stitch projects for Delaine and Granny. We had them framed and they will be so very special gifts from Pam. It is so still now that I do not want to go to bed.

Dec 25, 1993 (11:10 pm)

Many gifts with little said about the missing of mom’s presence and the ability/need to seek her acknowledgement that “this fits well’ or “it was just what we wanted”. I often felt one breath or glance away from having her here, with uninvited tears keeping me from making it real or testifying that we were connected now only on the spiritual field, or especially on that field. Courtney was so tired tonight, I took her to bed and held her and she and Felicia were asleep within 20 deep breaths. Seth is listening to Paris radio on his new short wave band. They were very pleased and surprised with their gifts. Up at 5:30. I was on, am on, the brink of exhaustion, but am so much trying to let go and feel the larger energy to keep me sustained in the moment.

Granny Anderson and Delaine were touched with the needlepoint work Pam had started, and almost completed for them. Mary Ann finished so nicely and with Pam’s love. The gifts will forever be treasured. Dad and Mom and Johnny and Delaine came on slick roads this a.m. to be with the kids. It was good having them here. I need to be hugged so badly - I miss just the touch and energy I felt from Pam every night. I told her many times that just laying in bed, holding her, was the joy of my day. While I know her spirit can fertilize me, I haven’t made the transition from her touching. I want to take all the notes and letters I received and edit them. They are so kind and honest and would help people appreciate what they share with others. The kids gave me a large, nice rocker, an Eric Clapton tape, a Dwight Yokum tape, a diary book, shirts ect. I now need to write in their book, but will have to consider the perspective. Tomorrow is prepare for trip to Florida day so my writing may be curtailed for a week.