February 1994

2-2-94

Emotional Roller Coaster. There were two times when I found it so surreal to believe Pam was gone that I shook my head to try to find a place that made sense. Courtney was preoccupied this morning on the way to school and I hated to leave her at the door. Our meeting at work became emotionally charged and I had to bring it back to trust and understanding. Seth got a 50 in geometry and we discussed the need for more work (probably with some parent emotion) he became resistive and defiant. We finally discovered the need for him to present options for solving his studying habits. When he blows up, I find myself doing the same. He ended up writing a report for English saying I was as individualist and good parent - no brownnosing. We hugged. Court fell asleep in my arms and more focused. I finished Snow Leopard and am sad, as Matthiessen was to come down from high altitudes and rejoin social encumbrances. If not for the kids, I would probably withdraw from people where I am forced to maintain social behavior. I told SJ, my boss, I was going with the flow and if it interfered, send me home for a few days. I have been giving shots to the Arab mare who lost a turf fight with another mare. She was cut pretty badly.

2-3-94

My heart is heavy knowing that Seth and Courtney both want to be held one more time by their mother more than anything else and that feeling frames everything else they want and do.

I talked with Betty Williams last night who has stayed in touch with many cards and who lost her husband in the spring. Because I have fewer non-work opportunities to talk to adults, I tend to ramble with feelings and thoughts, or at least feel like I do.

I do not look forward to work but feel I need some time alone - not knowing what, on Earth, I’d do. Events are pulling me along, mechanically. The positive energy flow is not getting through my doors. If thine eye is full of light…

2-5-94 (6:30 a.m.)

I only now realize today is four months since Pam’s passing. It feels like forever. I have cried more this morning than in a long time and didn’t realize how much was inside, pushed ina corner.

Courtney spent the night with Jeni and Seth wants to sleep in. Maybe I know it would be okay to let go. Jim and I hugged and cried like babies when they left to go back to FLA, after the funeral. Mick grabbed me at the funeral and we did the same. Courtney never cried at the funeral and that hurt me to know how she was holding it in. I’m not done yet and probably never will be.

2-6-94 (10:00 p.m.)

We found a church today that seems to work for the kids and I - Presbyterian in Anna. Kids know many others. We had a lovely meal with the Haleys Saturday evening and Larry and I put the ping pong table together. We had an earthquake yesterday morning while Seth was home and I was in Carbondale getting Brooks and Dunn tickets for Courtney. Court spent the night with Jeni. Seth had lots of concerned folks checking on him.

We were able to ride horses today and it felt so good. I wrote several years ago that when God was within you, she/he eases all words with a smile. I felt that way in church today. Courtney and I visited the cemetery today and we drove up by the stone lion that overlooks the hillside. Pam used to play on that lion.

2-8-94 (6:00 a.m.)

We found ourselves singing the Vince Gill song together the other day (Seth, Courtney, and I) “I been trying to get over you”, as if we all were connected through the words and melody. It will take a while to not feel guilty for feeling good. I try to use the nervous, twitchy, need to be held loneliness as a cue to open up my heart to that eternal love. There is till, however, that balance of needing to recognize those feelings rather than deny them. That’s probably why I spontaneously let so much go Saturday morning. I had found a poem I had written for Pam several years ago that seems to best say how she was my connection and balance. It seems to summarize our life - “Swinging on porches under the moon.” When I came home last night, after work, Courtney was crying and Seth ran upstairs. They had fought and he had kicked her. While I didn’t want that happening, it was good to see her have a good belly cry. I held her and wanted to squeeze out all the loneliness and hurt she had.

Seth had done two things we had recently talked about - one was kicking his sister - and he is in electronic deprivation and angry although, after the initial battle, he came back and apologized. I will need to hold off longer to see if he understands how serious I am about their getting along. I cannot have battles all summer.

I saw a financial planner yesterday and will probably take his advice regarding investments and try to keep away from investments for at least 4/5 years. Discussions of that nature seem too trivial, but I keep my pragmatist hat on - I guess for the kids.

2-8-94 (11:00 p.m.)

Listening to Van Morrison’s “Hymns to the Silence”. We have learned the power of stillness and the depth of the unspoken and the innocence beyond thought. The kids were so good tonight. I would never go to sleep if I could keep this moment intact with kids at rest, fire red coals with blue blaze and soft piano blues. God gives us what we need. Stillness fused in waves of time.

Courtney’s birthday card went out today (invitations). Plans are coming together, but Valentine’s Day is first and we have to do that right. We have orthodontist, French horn lessons, scholar bowl, and SIU ball game tomorrow. Connie R. told me that, except for church, she is home in evenings. With that much time alone, I would probably vaporize with things to do, that will have to wait. Katie has been a real trooper. She sleeps by the bed and does things just right for a little dog. Dad has really come to like her for her spunkiness. He lets her stay on the couch by him.

2-9-94

Sleet today and school cancelled. Kids stayed at Cobden, We went to orthodontist and to Granny Anderson’s for supper. Seth and I went to ballgame. I wrote check for $105,000 for investments. Hope it insures kids get education and other supports they need.

I took Delaine to work today and she mentioned that one evening last week when Courtney stayed with her, Court seemed to be more relaxed. Like the old Courtney. That is good to hear so she is still struggling with her feelings and why I was glad to see her cry for any reason. She complained of her arm hurting tonight and I worry excessively about those aches and pains, including my own. This is new for me and I understand why. Delaine also said she has a long way to go and I acknowledged she needs space away. This is a good step and we’ll have to help keep pushing Johnny. Last week, we really had to push him to go to ball game and she was desperate to get him out of the house.

2-11-94

Off work today for holiday. Busy, but got a lot done. Seth, Court, and I went to Carbondale to eat and mall hop. Got birthday and Valentine’s presents. Went to Sam’s to get food and Seth’s computer fixed. Court got portable CD for birthday. Ronnie came and visited with Seth this afternoon as they were out fo school. When I picked Court up, she was in good mood. A boy had put presents in her locker she was happy and it made me feel good to see her happy. Both kids had a real good day and we had fun tonight. Court is listening to her CD and cleaning her room. Seth is re-loading files on his computer. Last night I was ready to throw everything in. I had to call time-out. Seth got angry because he didn’t make honor roll and said I was lying (I read from paper). He came after me, pushing. I had him sit and cool for about 20 minutes. He doesn’t want to work, but is very competitive about ranking. Driver’s ed kept him off honor roll. He wants to be top 5 in his class and he is for both years. He calmed down and apologized by bed time. When Court went to type her title page for her paper, computer wouldn’t boot. When I looked at it, something was wrong. Seth had gone into configure files and made a mess. Alan came over but couldn’t get it. SAM’s had to clean it up so we were at Alan’s at 10:30 typing (PC) page.

I have people expecting that I am to be miserable and I have been, but I can’t let them define me. I have been able to have good days or times and I have to not be afraid to feel good or sad. It works best when I just let it go and try not to force feeling good or be guilty for not feeling bad. At times I’m too tired to care. When alone today I was so busy, didn’t have time to worry and I think that is why I stay so busy. I got my hair cut by Terri M. who took me to the hospital on the day of the accident. I hadn’t talked to her since, and I had to tell her how much I thanked her. We were alone when that chaplain came in and she, a person I hardly knew, was there to comfort the best she could.

I ordered another book by Matthiesson - At Play on the Field of the Lord - Snow Leopard was so helpful in keeping my perspective. It was the message I needed and I hoped to be open to the next.

I am getting bizarre. Today, I noted that the date of Pam’s passing, 10-5-93, the numbers added equal her age, 37. I guess I wasn’t as busy as I thought. Last night, Seth asked if I remarried, would my new wife be his stepmother. I told him he didn’t need to worry. It will be a while before I would even know how to feel my way should another relationship emerge. You can’t just rush to fill a space. If I listen to the Spirit, things will take care of themselves. If I listen to the flesh, it will get goofy. Those numbers add to 27! makes my point - call the doctor.

2-12-94

Yesterday’s business has allowed this morning to be lazy, eat breakfast in floor, watch cartoons together, morning. Court got up early. We had fun. She got a ouija board and we asked her boyfriend’s name - Ric… There were 9 deer in front of house this morning in the fog, including the big buck. Some days it is not like Pam is gone, but just on a trip and she’ll be back.

Like Seth, I am liking the cemetery less as it does not give warm thoughts - seems to emphasize the physical, rather than the spiritual. I have to remember that Courtney doesn’t have the visual and tactile images and “feelings” that re-visit me when we are there. That is not how I want to remember.

(11:00 p.m.)

The entire day took on a slow pace Courtney was tired and fell asleep on the couch near the end of the Olympic opening ceremony. Tonight she told me that I talk with the accent of whom I am around. She may be right. Right now I am open and vulnerable like a vessel to be filled. Tonight when I put Court to sleep, I felt like Pam laying with her. There is adventure and mystery in being an open vessel but it is important to keep love, truth and compassion as the basis for whatever else is there. We put precious things in the casket, I asked the kids if they wanted to put anything with mom to keep. Seth brought his very first comic - Spiderman. Courtney brought a poem she had written, earrings, stuffed Katie dog, Pam’s sunglasses and pictures. I put in her family ring and the handkerchief that was tear soaked for 3 days. A rose from each of the kids’ bouquet also went in each hand. On the morning of the funeral, Courtney asked if she could put something else in. When she brought it, it was her old tattered baby blanket. Whatever composure I had left, melted. The kids chose not to see the casket, but to know that special things were forever with their mom. I’m glad that was their choice.

Blake called from Pittsburgh tonight. He is a true brother like Jim and Mike. We plan to go to Washington D.C. this summer and will go by and see hum and Sherri.

2-13-94

Tao Teh Ching Chap. 48

Learning consists of daily accumulating

… Tao consist in daily diminishing.

To win the world, one must renounce all.

If one still has private ends to serve,

One will never be able to win the world.

Sounds real familiar. Win the world and born of the Spirit are the same. We are so trained to accumulate in our information/brain centered world, but this brings the stress and tension as it is never enough. Still, it is hard to not be seduced and is why my discipline to allow diminishing is tested. Yet the peace and oneness that comes from “giving up” is even more seductive. Once the seed is planted … Time to go feed.

2-14-94

At lunch yesterday Courtney asked if animals have souls. They had discussed this in Sunday School. Courtney wants to believe they did have. We discussed Eastern religion vs. Western religion view points. She said that Felicia had a soul and could when she was really sad and would come to her. When Courtney pretended to be sad, Felicia would ignore her. That is a good enough reason for me to believe they can have souls. It also reflects that the Spirit can be, or is, whatever we acknowledge it to be. I would rather assume Spirit is in everything and be wrong. If the Spirit is there, here, then soul should be there also. Is the soul our individual identity with the Spirit or just our intellectual connect point with the Spirit or the Spirit itself. Tao would suggest it is whatever we need to allow is to merge with the Spirit.

Yesterday was a slow, restful day - O even took my first afternoon nap in months. The Court’s homework took until midnight. She’ll be ripe this morning.

2-15-94

Seth studied to midnight last night, but I herded both to bed by 10:30 tonight. Is was nice to have a warm sunny day. Courtney has a horse we will go see at Sikeston on Sunday. It sounds like it has possibilities as I talked to the owner. Seth says I don’t yell at him as much as mom did but it is still too much. He tests my parenting skills daily and keeps me humble. SO many things at work seem trivial and unrelated to improving service that I am losing my zest. I have to be conscious of keeping folks on task and supported. I’d love to quit.

2-17-94

The weather has been lovely. Seth and I had a good time at the ball game last night. It is our built in time out from school hassles etc. I find myself tired and unsettled with many thoughts in my head. I crave stillness and that may be why the morning bed is so seductive. God prunes branches to allow them to produce greater fruit. Do we interpret personal tragedies and grief as pruning? If we choose to, and cling to the spiritual vine, we can be more open. Part of my current anxiety may be that I sense a doorway to another niche and I’m not sure what that may be. I have a need to serve others more directly as a profession and my current state job seems so built on talk rather than action. I need to get the kids through high school, but choices and opportunities will happen as they should. Courtney is in pre-birthday hype and I hope we can slow tonight.

2-19-94

Courtney’s overnight is wearing down. She and a few stayed up all night. Good girls, good fun. They sang to her going up the mall and at the pizza place. They Chinese fire-drilled at the 4-way stop. Seth is in deep trouble with geometry. He didn’t do his homework for weeks, although he kept telling me he was. His teacher called and said he is failing badly. We will both learn discipline during the remainder of the year. I purchased the John Prine Anthology which I had been wanting. He says he likes to begin writing from a very difficult corner and write his way out.

2-20-94

I find myself seduced by stillness in whatever activities I am engaged. Court may sleep to noon and Seth was also very tired and sleeping in. I miss going to church and that is a good sign.

The Ascension Handbook Carla sent me is charting the same spiritual paths as the Tao, Jesus, etc. Just different methods. When you get the message, hang up the phone, and realize you are the message in the spirit.

Nice birds are starting to use the feeder. I don’t like to go out again after I do early feedings because I don’t want the kids to come down to no one. It gives me practice, time to listen.

(11:00 p.m.)

As I sat here tonight, Pam was on the couch with her blue robe, legs up on the couch, needle-pointing something she would not quite finish, glasses on with the ‘do you want to go to be now’ look in her eyes. Which part of this is a dream>

Seth seems to have accepted his fate and is ready to move forward. I had to pull a calendar to chart our course. He needs something concrete to help chart his decisions. I have tried to move his thinking from discipline to positive structuring. Uh-huh dad! But he is coming around and we had a good day. He spent two hours with Jim Harris and Shirley fixed supper. Such great people. Court iced the cake.

Jazz. That will become a new word in our family that means more than funky music dad listens to once in a while and when Court has music lessons at Altgeld Hall. We went to Sikeston and spent time with Jazz. Court and I played, “how much do you like him” until she said dad, I want him. He is very nice and Karen and Rick are very nice and very into big-time showing. She called back this evening. He has a great personality and works well with very soft cues. Big sorrel quarter horse.

Cathy was so helpful and kind with Courtney’s birthday. I love her like a sister and she knows that, I am sure.

My heart’s in the icehouse come hill or come valley - Grandad Richards worked in an ice house in Murphysboro. I went there with him when I was small. We went fishing together right before he died unexpectedly in 1968. He told me he had been wanting to do something together for a long time. I was his favorite and we are much alike. We tended to hide our hearts, but I’m going to try to let mine thaw a bit. It is dripping now.

2-23-94

Courtney’s birthday was sad and we both fell asleep in her bed as I held her and she clung to me more than normal. We went out to lunch and after school, I had to take Seth to Cape. We were home by 5 and Courtney had received a package from Texas and we had three other presents to give. Chico brought 2 fruit trees to plant. We have arranged a peer tutor for Seth during the week and Jim will continue on weekends. Yesterday I considered taking a leave from work. I think the frustration with Seth’s growing pains has me frustrated and increases the tension between he and Courtney. We did have a good talk last night and we will cut back, or quit, play practice to concentrate on study. I feel like I’m juggling too many balls and they are falling around me and I think work is the first to lay on shelf. The presence of friends and family makes me feel guilty for feeling this way.

Shawn J. called me yesterday and wants me to go to Springfield today. My first thought was all the rescheduling to do but it may be good to have 8 hours of private time. Kind fo like the 3 hours when the kids slept on the way to FLA.

Today’s activities have been covered or cancelled to accommodate the trip. I am anxious about seeing good friends with whom I have talked but not seen, or who have sent notes to me. In God’s love all things are perfect. Last summer Pam said that things were so perfect she was afraid to think about it. Hopefully, she still feels an even greater perfectness.

2-26-94

You miss someone to share little things with and to sanction or shape the things you do. “Is this ok” or “tell me I’m doing ok” etc. Usually the question is unspoken but when two people love together, they know the questions and know when to water each other’s plants.

The Springfield trip was good to see friends and to have some travel time to just be. I had lunch with my good friend Glenn, who almost died in November due to post surgery complications.

We go get the new horse today, even though it is pretty cold. Courtney is excited. We went to a rodeo in Cape last night with the Haleys. It was fun for all except Larry who had a pinched nerve and was in pain. Seth wanted to stay home and have his space after a structured week. We have much more structure to go. He has geometry with Jim in the morning.

Associate director called me yesterday and wanted to know if I’d go to Lincoln as superintendent. No no no. It was a sick offer that reeked with disrespect and “I need you to use” rather than want me. I guess many relationships start that way. In talking, coming home last night, I acknowledged that I am in kind of a flat stage. Hard to feel deep grief or love. Hope this doesn’t last too long. We missed going to the cemetery last week, with birthday and horse shopping. Courtney didn’t mention it.

2-27-94

God chooses us. Comes to us. I told kids this morning that we had to worship regularly either at church or as a family at home. Seth chose home. Court chose church. Church was so nice this morning. Beautiful song about the healing of the river of love, written by pastor’s wife.

Soft, cozy day. Seth drove to Cobden. We visited cemetery (minus Seth). Court took nap and I cleaned barn. She played with Jazz. He is a sweetheart. Pamela seems so far away. I look for ways to keep her close. When I walk to get the paper in the morning, I see her coming over the ridge. We’ll go to church. It doesn’t help to get angry, believe me, I know.

Courtney was goofing around yesterday morning and broke the chain on my necklace. I tried to pretend it was no big deal, but I wanted it fixed and she fixed it before I had a chance to. It still feels right after two months.

Mary Ann sent Courtney the blanket Pam had started with the kitten blocks. She is so kind. Love is contagious.