January 1994
1/2/1994
We have returned from FLA and it seemed to work on different levels for each of us. Jim and Joann are so supportive and the kids feel very comfortable with them. Courtney said she knows Joann loves her and that is why she teases her so. We spent 2 days at Disney which has truly become an international center (but not for people without some money). As this was our fourth trip there, the kids seemed to revisit the innocence of the attractions and truly enjoyed many things, with unspoken words acknowledging what or how we did when mom was here.
We went to the beach on 12-28, and the sun, waves, and breeze seemed to come together for me as the triumphurate of the spirit. The healing of my body was so refreshing that this alone was worth the trip. The energy force was so present. I wore a necklace for the first time.As I woke up at 4:00 a.m. on the day we left, I felt compelled to take something of Pam’s with me. A plain gold necklace with a simple start seemed right. I rubbed it when I became tired driving or just to reassure me. The kids asked me why I wore it and I told them.
My last time with Pam was at lunch on the day of the accident. She brought lunch by work and we sat near the chapel/pool on grounds and ate in the sunshine on a bench. She tried to give me reassurance for her not to go with me to the weekend horse training symposium near Chicago. I told her we needed to get away together. She wanted to see the movie “The Firm” at Anna that night. She was going to make broccoli cheese soup before she took Seth to the eye doctor. She let me out in front of my office. It comforts me to know that our last time together in earthly form was harmonious and caring for being with each other. She comes to me in snow.
Larry and Cathy Haley came over and brought lunch and ate with us, knowing we would be tired and have things to do after getting home. Cathay said a prayer that was so simple and so honest. They are very special friends.
1-5-94
We are two days back into the routine of school and work. Courtney said she wants to cancel January because it is too cold. She seems more at ease recently. Seth had auditions for the school play this evening. I still have difficulty leaving the warm still bed in the morning. Our dreary weather encourages cocooning. It is three months today since Pam’s passing. This linear time seems so irrelevant. Seth said long ago that it seems forever. However, we are beginning to be able to acknowledge her presence more as I often feel her coaching me.
1-7-94
Seth is at Ronnie’s and Courtney and Crystal went to the movie. I picked them up and they went to Mays’ to watch movies with the boys. It was real quiet until they came home around midnight. I listened to Eric Clapton, watched a Clint Eastwood movie (Unforgiven), and read. I received the check from the insurance company today and will have to be sure that the availability of money doesn’t affect me. I have to make it unavailable. It seems so shallow at this time. Courtney was more excited about depositing $132 than I was $100,000. She got all A’s on her report card. Seth will get his Monday. He is captain of the scholar bowl team.
1-9-94
Slow day that allows relaxation and getting some things done. Deer came in front of the house almost daily to graze. I purchased a bird feeder and placed outside the north window near the cedar trees where cardinals nest. The sun has been out today and yesterday and even while cold, it is pleasant to be outside. The horses look and feel good. My mission now is to maintain my humility, walk in the light of the spirit and be a good father. Without spiritual balance, everything falls apart. Linda and Angie came today to visit. Pam is with us in so many ways. I have continued to wear her necklace that I wore to FLA. I feel comfortable with it and will quit wearing when it doesn’t work. We have moved little of her clothes in the laundry room or bedroom. It isn’t right. Neither time nor space have any relevance to when things occur. There are layers of meaning to these things we do and don’t do. We do not understand all, but try to just let it happen within the spirit of the moment. Courtney was showing Christmas gifts today and couldn’t find the Precious Moments doll Pam had bought for her. I became anxious trying to find it. Linda didn;t understand why, as she didn’t know. It was in a different box under her bed. I was relieved. I accept that Pam can move things if she wishes. So can Courtney.
1-12-94
I do many things because the kids force me to make choices, not overtly, but by their presence. This has kept me from focusing upon the negative and helped me choose to move forward. This interdependence of relationships and needs plays itself out on many levels, both within and outside the family. Yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed until at 6:00 a.m, I had to. I got my game face on and had a good day. Seth received his report card and ranks 5th of 125 in his class. He wants to keep this ranking. Mom and Dad fixed their traditionally good Tuesday evening meal. They are growing so much closer to the kids.
1-15-94
Were it not for the recording of the dates, time and events would not seem linear. We move in the context of one day which continues to recycle itself. I sometimes feel that the Holy Spirit and Pam’s are somewhere in the vastness of the Universe with unnavigable space between. Other times I am immersed as one in the present and know that it is here and we are always one. I must be patient with those distractions that cause me to feel separate. When I am impatient, it doesn’t help me or the kids.
Courtney has her friend Jeana over last night and they are still in bed. Seth wanted to rent old (50s) sci-fi movies to watch, but preferred to watch in his room which perfectly reflects him. It is very cold (0°) but son is shining.
1-16-94
Wintertime. Sleet and snow and cold. -2 this morning. Courtney and I went to barn in snow tonight. And the animals were cozy and it was so peaceful. We played monopoly and Seth won. He wasn’t feeling well and slept until 11:15 a.m. An employee at work died of a heart attack Friday morning. He was an experienced staff, well liked by residents. A touching service was held this afternoon with sleet coming down. We had a service in the chapel for a resident last month. He was severely retarded but the pastor dignified his presence on earth and the giving, touching, and purpose he shared. Life’s mystery makes us all equal.
1-22-94 (6:00 a.m.)
Felicia is scratching at the folding door of the porch, wanting in with Courtney. It is her morning ritual. Taking her to Courtney as she awakes is part of mine. She wants me to hurry. Seth just hit the floor upstairs. He is always on time at this time of the day. He has a scholar bowl meet in Murphysboro this morning and must leave early. Things occur and we establish our relationships to them, and they to us. At this time of day, we all seem to be part of the rhythm.
We received 7” of snow and have had record setting temps all week (-14°). Kids have been out of school all week. They have spent the days with Papa along with Amber and Bethany. It has been good for him. His routine and rhythm received a reordering. We had supper with Mom and Dad last night as they had to delay their departure to FLA because the interstate was closed. While at the restaurant, Alan and Margaret and their kids were there and I almost cried remembering the funeral home and how they and their kids and I collectively hugged. We had spent the last 4/5 New Years Eves with them and are so close. A part of our circle is missing. When they had the kids and I over to eat recently, Margaret had set one too many settings. She was confused and, at once, we all knew what happened.
As tears fill my eyes now, it surprises me how much they burn, onion-like hurt. I had not cried much, probably twice in 10 years, prior to Pam’s passing. I didn’t remember any tears burning so badly and wonder what additional chemicals are being purged from my body.
When it is still and cold in the morning, it is pleasant to be outside in the snow. The silence is comforting.
1-24-94
My heart is heavy. Seth didn’t get the play part he wanted and he was disappointed. He so much wanted a big part. Courtney wanted to watch a movie about a man who lost his wife and had to raise his daughter. We watched it together and tears stayed mear the brim. She handled it well, but we hugged extra at bedtime and she told me how much she loved me. When I was talking to Seth at bedtime, he kept playing with my wedding ring. He asked why I kept wearing it - if it didn’t make it harder on me. We talked of how unreal it was and how much we still missed and love her. He asked - told me that “you put up the marker didn’t you?” We both needed to cry and did. He said that when he was vacuuming he saw our wedding picture and it was sad. I told him it made me sad, but also reminded me of the joy.
1-26-94
Seth wanted to come downstairs tonight to be with me. It was so nice for him to ask and we had a good “old boy” talk. He is beginning to mature and work toward growing up. He has been tired as have I . Courtney pushes herself with play until she crashes. We are becoming so close and it is so important for me to pull them into discussion, planning and telling me of their days and needs.
1-27-94
Turned alarm off and slept until 6:00 a.m. It is so hard to move some days. The Tao exercises make, let me feel better.and I must become more disciplined.
1-28-94
Our little pond overflowed from the rain and snow melt. It is very soggy outside and inside.
Thou art the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after thy will, why I am waiting, yielded and still. I realize that I have no game plan other than what I wrote a few days ago. I am freed by the absence of a personal script.
This house and property was exactly what Pam wanted. She had said that even if she won the lottery, this would be it. She had just found her perfect horse in July, the grey Arabian mare. We had just lunched in the sun and were as close as ever and planning to go to the movies that night and away for the week-end. The kids were healthy and happy.
1-31-94
Courtney fixed lunch for the Haley’s yesterday. She wanted to show that she could do it and she did it well. Broccoli cheese soup, fruit, punch and cookies, and sausage slices. She worked hard and it was very nice. Seth complimented her. Seth and I then went to Wagner’s to watch the Super Bowl and visit. Seth and David Jones had a political discussion and Seth holds his own. They still had the cup he won last year as a door prize. They had saved it. January has been cold and dreary, but as Courtney said - it went by pretty fast.