July 1994

7-2-94

The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a classic Buddhist guide through the stages of death and the sounds after death. There is a prayer of guidance that reads much like the 23rd Psalm. It offers new ways to pray for Pam’s spirit as she changes form. It also helps remove the time/space relationship. This morning as I read, the dried flowers from the funeral in the large Chinese vase seem to be our connection. The simplicity of life is contained in the designs on the vase and in the textures of petals and odors within the vase. I wonder how long the dried roses will be kept in the other vase in the room - Pam has one of each color in her hands. As Courtney said the day after her passing - this is Mommy’s room.

Courtney and Melissa spent last night at Crystal’s for a party. Nikki and I and Katie went to bed. Too “tired” to feel lonely.

7-3-94

Courtney had 20 kids over tonight for a July 4th party. She was very happy that things went well. Everybody had a good time. Hayride and fireworks. The boys liked feeding the catfish.

Today’s message at church was about the motives of the heart under the scrutiny of God’s light. We must understand the possible intimidation of an all knowing God, but also understand His grace. Lord make me an instrument. I trust that God understands motives of which I am unaware.

I am ready for Seth to come home. I think we are beginning to understand each other as adults - or at least as honest voyagers. He wants to plan our next canoe trip.

A friend of Terri’s who is a nurse was here tonight with her son. She was at the scene with the ambulance. I didn’t know her. I ran up the highway and found Pam and asked if she had a pulse. Then I searched, myself to confirm, talking to Pam. We will not be able to see each other without that scene replaying. Pam did not respond.

7-4-94

While Jack and I were sitting on the patio last evening, a hummingbird hovered near the magnolia bush - the first one I have seen here. I’ll get a feeder for them. Pam would be/is pleased that we worked with Terri and Jack to have a party for the kids. It was Courtney’s suggestion. While Terri had taken a very different path, I promised to work with the kids as she is open to doing the same. Once a relationship is formed, it is hard to change. So it is our relationship to life as to God. It is difficult to let go of past beliefs. While I tell people at work that we have to change our traditional relationships and beliefs to improve our quality of service, it is difficult to do in our daily lives. Ninety per cent of the content and activities will not change but we can dramatically change our ability to grow and understand the meaning for us. When we are in God’s perfect light, the relationship is irrelevant. Giving up, pruning branches.

7-5-94

Sometimes I go about with pity, while all the time a great wind carries me across the sky. A good family gathering yesterday. Dad wants to help so much, what can we bring you to eat? Do you want me to help you build a quilt hanger? Mick says he talks about the ducks all the time. I am so lucky. Nine months today but Pam’s passing has only two emotional reference points - never and forever.

7-6-94

Seth is home and already challenging me, not over power, but positively with theological concerns. He is revisiting his “being a Christian” and many of the things he learned in Lutheran school. “Don’t tell Grandad.” I view it is healthy as his concerns are around the dogma more than the underlying spiritual beliefs. We’ll help each other. He did seem to gather a new perspective from his trip.

The girls wanted to spend some time with the Tuesday quilters yesterday while I had lunch with Georgia before getting Seth. Nine months ago today, Pam called the quilters on a Tuesday (actually yesterday as today is 7/6) to talk and visit. They were upstairs in the study with Pastor Joe when I returned. He seemed to want to talk about single fatherhood, almost a verbal purge with high anxiety. “It’s been 4 weeks and 5 days, but who’s counting?” Nine months, but who’s counting?

On the night of Pam’s accident, after getting the kids asleep, I walked in the yard looking to the stars and moon hoping to find Pam somewhere in the universe. The line from the song Somebody Else’s Moon - She’s no longer mine, somewhere tonight, she’s in somebody else’s arms, -This kept playing in my head. I committed or tried to, to the belief that she was in the arms of the eternal spirit. It seemed as if every star was reflecting the love and prayers of all who cared. It is there for us to find if we will open our eyes and heart.

While we are intrigued by the analogy of shadows of our beliefs, hopes, fears, etc. We should not forget that shadows are only a reflection of our relationship to the light. When we are centered in the light, there are no shadows.

7-8-94

Yesterday, Pam’s mare, Mama, had a horse colt which was still wet when I went out to feed. Pretty black now, but will probably turn grey. I awakened the girls to see. They ran to the barn. Melissa said, “I want to go call my mom.” I could feel this bring emptiness to Court. I’ve no mom to tell and this is the one baby she wanted so much. Court said, “This is my baby.” She later came in and asked if she could call Cathy. Thank God for Cathy. With Pam and Melissa’s mother being such good friends, there have been many reminders these 3 weeks. I asked Court to go with me to the barn last night to check the baby as she/we both needed some time alone.

Seth wants us to do things together and we are taking a walk at 6:00 a.m. this morning. We are buying a bike this weekend. Thank you God.

Open mine eyes that I may see, visions of truth thou hast for me.

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved.

These old church songs have treasurers which cut through spiritual time and space. Fanny J. Crosby and the buddist masters would have enjoyed a cup of tea together.

I felt so clean Wednesday, but last 24 hours have been pick up one foot, put down next. Emotions are as heavy as the humid air. While I know it won’t last, there is great temptation to withdraw. As if I am on that spiritual edge where I have difficulty accepting my humanness. No time, all space. Seth will be my continual teacher. Lighten up big guy.

7-9-94

Seth’s teaching was intense last night as many emotions came out, most of which reflected his pain and anger with God. This was triggered by his falling on his new bike that we bought. He wanted one to help exercise. He was frustrated, went to his room. “I can’t do anything right.” “Do you realize it’s close to a year since Mom died?” Fortunately as we talked of what existance Pam now has - the various possibilities. He moved in circles. He was first in hopes that the lady that killed her went to hell. When I talked her husband and kids and that we exchanged cards, he said he may want to see them. We agreed to write a letter to her husband. We are planning a trip to visit his friend in Bethalto whom he trusts and who likes him. It is difficult as a teenager when you want to play to a different drummer and be accepted also. We have to organize and pursue his success/self fulfillment in writing. He also talked of a conversation Pam and I had (as all couples do) where he said I told her if she died I would cry for the rest of my life. This was probably after she told me that if something happened to her and I remarried, she would haunt me. Seth said, I didn’t think you would do that, but you have. I can feel you near tears many times even though you may not actually cry. These observations and remembrances of conversations are so typical of Seth’s sensitivity and emotional depth while appearing indifferent and detached. Hopefully through my spiritual naturing there will be ways to help him find comfort and purpose. He is listening closely to Pastor Steve. May he understand and trust that he, I and all are visions of God’s unfolding. May I help him to be yielded and still during this unfolding while he lives his melodrama of humanness.

7-10-94

Richards’ family gathering absent Granny Richards, Pam, and Aunt Flo. Seth asked Grandad how he became a preacher and, as Seth said, “got a thirty minute sermon.” Grandad told Seth that he thought God had a special calling for him.

Shawn J., his parents, and kids came to fish and ride horses. After he had talked with me about his mother’s resignation to death (with lupus) it was interesting to see her sit at the gazebo and watch her son, husband, and grandkids have a good time. I sat and talked with her and she seemed at peace. Shawn is her “baby”. Very real, down to earth people.

7-12-94

We had a nice visit with the Davis’. Mary Ann said she still thinks of us every day and she still struggles with losing her best friend. We sat out in the cool evening and visited until late. Last night, Courtney was watching TC and working with braiding on the couch and at 11:00, I was ready for bed. I told her good night but could feel she wanted me to stay. I told her I would lay by her and she could wake me. When she did, it was deja vu of Pam. I had to catch myself. Courtney was earlier, being something of a jerk, which I was ignoring, and she told me to tell her to straighten up. Seth spent much time visiting with the Davis’ and has made plans to visit Christian in Bethalto.

We took many cut flowers from the yard when we visited the cemetery with the Davis’. Sunflowers, roses, poppies, gladiolus, lilies (2 colors), marigolds. Mary Ann is so like Pam in so many ways that we re-lived many thoughts. Delaine and Johnny came for supper and Delaine and Mary Ann sat in the living room and visited, which was good for both. Mary Ann finished the last needle point work for Alan and Margaret and for Grandma Richards. The work is complete.

7-13-94

It is interesting that remembrances of loved ones seem to be all positive. One has to use effort to remember the painful and difficult times. The power of love melts the pain.

Yesterday I was reading Seth’s journal from his second year on earth. I wanted to intersperse those daily observances with these and play them as a dream, not lose any but to hold up the connectedness of every moment of our working experiences. Those experiences are very much a part of what we are in this moment. I want to make copies of Seth’s and Court’s journal for each.

God, help me remove, or take away by your love, those obstacles of which are known and unknown, which keep me from thy total will.

Seth is excited about visiting Christian Thursday thru Saturday. Courtney was ambivalent about visiting her friends.I asked her if she was staying so I wouldn’t be alone. She admitted she was. I couldn’t tell her I probably needed to be alone, but assured her I was a big boy. She decided to spend Friday night with Jeni, first to invite her here, but later, Jeni wanted her to go there. My only times alone overnight have been with kids leaving at 10:30ish or later. I’ll have to try to let myself go and not just do every little honey-do job.

Work is not working any better. I can do one day ok, but multiple days find me pressing and preoccupied. Carolyn Meyer called and wants to start some kind of business. I talked to her about a Southern Illinois wilderness camp. Canoeing, horse riding, day on river, hiking, etc. With structured personal growth themes.

Yea, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Was David seeing shadows? In God’s light and love, there is no death - changing form.

7-14-94

The Tibetan Book of the Dead/living discusses the bardos, gaps, times when the ground upon which one has stood, dissolves and one must prepare for new ground. Such changing, through death or through life events forces us to face our fears, beliefs, etc. The book breaks these into stages and the “ignorance” (un-knowing) and “wisdom” associated with each step. The need to keep a spirit filled focus while establishing new ground is essential for the kids and I for Pamela. The old will fall away.

Cathy told me that a movie Courtney wanted to see included scenes that were emotional around a mother’s death and that it may not be healthy for Courtney - loving and concerned advice. I talked with Court about this and left it to her to decide. I decided to trust that she would make an informed decision to confront or avoid the possible pain. Sometimes I have to re-visit situations I know will be painful as part of my cleansing. She saw the movie and she liked it. My sense is that she insulated the emotional at a superficial level, but it is cooking and being processed in her heart.

Mrs. Fiest called last night and the French report is not yet acceptable. We discussed over supper and Seth handled well. Work to do. The gazebo has emerged as I hoped with climbing roses, pretty red roses, our first hibiscus, zebra grass, bamboo and soft tinkling chime. A hanging chair in the center will complete. Now what?

I have long abandoned the desire to have Pam’s robe near me. The necklace still is right and has gone through many repairs. Other items are essentially as they were - drawers, hangers of clothes, etc. The clinging to the physical is changing to outside physical, flowers etc. as well as a spiritual acceptance. The abandonment of the desire for the robe does not cause me to feel guilt but accept that I have changed the relationship to her current and previous existence. I have not changed this - it has changed for reasons go needs beyond my current understanding.

The night before we moved to Bethalto, we all held hands in the yard and danced in circles singing - “millions of stars, billions of stars, zillions and zillions and zillions of stars.”

7-15-94

We took Seth to Alton last night to visit Christian. He looked forward to the visit. Courtney and I talked all the way home while she drew cartoon characters and braided. She talked at length about the Forrest Gump movie and vietnam scenes and his girlfriend’s death and abuse by her father. She talked of her fear in high school, seeing her friends become involved in drugs etc. I encouraged her not to abandon them, but their ways, and to offer them a haven, if they followed her rules. She is so sensitive and mature. Our talk led to questions about Vietnam, nuclear war drills at school, etc. She and Seth worked together yesterday. Seth said she was very helpful and “it wasn’t like Courtney.”

I notice that I misspell many words and write so poorly I can hardly read.

My night alone was spent selling a horse, mowing, delivering Mollie and her baby to Mountain Glen, calling Kay K to see how she is handling her husband’s passing (thoughts are so similar I chuckled and apologized), telling her I know exactly, she must meet the kids.

I came home today and found Courtney constructing her photo albums. She had found pictures of her mother - and of our last trip to Chicago to include. She had also colored her drawings and they look very nice. She wanted to be home alone all day. When I returned from Centralia, I called to see if she was ok. She fumbled around asking me to stop and buy her some tampons, as it is still uncomfortable for her. She is an angel. So is Seth, tho more complicated.

Kay talked of her encounter with a mockingbird that she felt was Jack. She talked of wanting to find an object with his odor on it. She talked of doing senseless things to stay busy and the loneliness beyond words, space and time. The same conversations Connie and I have had.

Rainbow face draped over the graveyard. Knowing I am not alone and the pull towards the eternal keeps me humble. Play my nickel and be freed by the knowledge that each breath here could be my last. There is nothing to hold me back. I will try to nurture and let all learned behavior play in the streets - there are no boundaries.

I recalled earlier today my letter sent to Mom and Dad in 1973. I told them, “I am sorry for the way I have acted - through God’s love I hope to do better. “ It caused them to visit rather quickly and, I am sure, is near Dad’s heart. As we prayed at the bottom of the stairs on October 5, God’s love drew the sketches of our being. “It don’t do no good to get angry, believe me I know.” Seth said he and the house are/have reached an agreement of coexistence. Courtney said - “Yeah, you’re talking to a house,” and I believe I understand where both are coming from. It’s just a box of rain. Believe it if you need it. Life’s mystery (Kay used the word.) keeps us going.

The other night, in his room, Seth asked me if Mom was hurt so bad in the accident that he wouldn’t know her if they met again. No son, you’ll know her.

7-17-94

Nice rain we badly needed had brought a cool freshness. We drove in much of it last night returning from Bethalto. We met the Davis’ to eat at the Chinese restaurant we frequented often when we lived there. Seth and I drove separately and arrived earlier. As we sat waiting, I could clearly visualize, anticipating that Pam would round the corner with them, smiling and wanting to know if we ordered for her. When I encounter situations which are very familiar to my psyche, past expectations automatically come forth. Only after running through each in this new context does current reality nudge the past aside with chemical rearranging of memories.

My night alone was so busy. I was too tired to be lonely. Probably the plan.

Weedeating yesterday morning, it was very humid and I hit my ankle with a rock, the sting was something which hurt badly and caused large blood blister type whelp which bled slightly. I kept going until my string ran out and I entered the carriage house to change it. Either from the pain, extreme sweating or, in my extreme paranoia, blood clot traveling to my brain, or gift of God, I was overcome by a faintly out of body feeling. In looking to the yard through the carriage house doors there was a misty gossamer Monet - like impression that took on a heavenly effect. I had evaporated and all was part of the immediate presence. There was no longer one form, but trees, grass, flowers were softly inter connected. Part of me wanted to relax and enjoy the perspective and the other part wanted to panic and believed I’d created damage through my injured ankle. I compromised, thinking of my need to use caution for the kids’ sake. I walked to the patio and sat where I could get to the phone quicker if I thought I was going to pass out. “Normalcy” eventually returned and I finished my work, although the pain bothered me all day. Reminder of deep meditative state I have experienced when one loses concept of body and there is a sense of discomfort initially. I do know that my greatest fear is that I would not be there when the kids needed me and that frames all I do.

The hibiscus has beautiful velvety 12” wide blooms - just like last year.

Midnite:

Last 2 hours with Seth leave me drained. “God is dead,” “few friends,” “I’m crazy.” Crying and all the attempts at comfort and support seemed inadequate. He had a visit with Christian that seemed to go well. The French paper re-write seemed to be the stimulus. Sometimes I feel that he likes the control of me when he is so distraught and I re-checked to see if that is the only time I really listen. I don’t think this is it. We have a lot of good talks at other times. Tonight, we had just finished riding horses in the field at his request. All I know is that we are in for a long healing and my heart is beaten pretty badly. I asked if we could pray together and he was not open and openly despising. We need that canoe trip. We always stay together until we can have that honest hug. Sometimes it takes a while. Nikki is transitioning to Court’s room tonight.

Seeing that this journal is almost finished, will I keep another? Is the purpose in allowing me to define my feelings only for the current moment or is some retrospect? To share with others or to throw away? I probably need distance or another’s perspective.

The guest pastor today read a passage from Colossians. Be clothed in compassion of humility and prompting us to forgive. Continued reminders to clean out all the corners. Poor Sethy is working hard to find peace and inner love. I have to try to give him so much love and pray that he will stay open to God’s love. “If he just wouldn’t have let Mom die.” God grant me the wisdom to be what he needs and guide him.

7-18-94

Mourning has brought no relief. Is this misspelling unintended? Seth needs someone to help. Something that is his.

(11:00 p.m.)

While the day was drudgery, the kids swam with the Pigg kids this afternoon and we went to the facility and rode bikes tonight. Both kids were in a good mood. Seth wanted to know how to run the washer and was ready to address the report. He felt good riding his bike. Thank you Lord for a good evening. Looks like Thursday we will go to Nashville.

7-19-94

The view from the carriage house Saturday morning suggested the essence of heaven, I was no more or less a part of what was happening than the mockingbird or the birch tree. For that brief interlude, all way ok. Emptying myself of all expectations and fears is essential to helping Seth grow. While my heart is so very wounded for him, I can’t become so distraught that I am unable to accept and love him and be a vessel for God’s love. Is this all a dream from a different perspective? Either way, hurt heats causes all angels to cry and Seth has always been accused of having a guardian angel. Pamela - your son could use some hugs.

7-20-94

Man left footprints on the Moon 25 years ago. There are now two blooms on the hanging geranium which was babied since the winter. The plants and I have learned to get along rather well. Courtney and Mikki have made the transition to Nikki sleeping upstairs with no accidents. Courtney is happy for her puppy and her little baby Arab horse. Seth and Katie are buddies. He had another calm day, but his thoughts are deep. We’ve always known Seth was special and with patience he will find what works, with his relationship to the universe, himself and others. Millions of years, now the moon has washed away man’s footsteps on the earth and pulled at lady’s chemical cycles as a part of its daily ritual. Maybe the media should play that.

In our weeing picture, Pam bespeaks the angel I feel her now to be. It is positioned where I see it each morning.

I am learning not to be afraid to forget things, allowing memory, thoughts to seek their own levels of presence.

Courtney’s Cream mother cat was hit on the road. She handled it too easily. I let her keep two kittens, Please let go and scream.

Cathy and Larry came by tonight and we sat at the gazebo and talked. It was helpful to talk and share many feelings. There are many that would be here in a minute if I called, but Cathy and Larry seem to know when to be there. It is obvious that my notes in this form are substitute for the presence of a person with whom I can daily share and find happiness in small spaces - wait a while eternally - old Mother Nature’s got nothing on me. God offers us many opportunities to grow.

Kids are ready - sleeping in anticipation of a big day tomorrow in Nashville. I better ease into this.

7-23-94

Nice cool Saturday morning. Open windows. We’ll journey to Cape this morning to get the globes for the floor lamps and parts for the mower (tractor). Seth is maintaining a lower kept ritualistic approach to his days that, hopefully, allows some calming to occur.

Kids had a good time at Opryland, getting wet and drying and getting wet. I just about ruined the day. We were all in a good anticipatory mood as we entered Nashville. Just before the entrance to the park, I started having difficulty getting my breath, felt constriction in my chest and lightheadedness. Lord, just get me to the parking lot. Hoping this would pass, I kept moving through increments, walking to gate, buying tickets, etc., with no relief. We set up 2 hour meeting points (just in front og the first aid station) and I told the kids I had a sick stomach and wanted to sit a while. A long 2 hours as symptoms wouldn’t leave and I felt I may pass out several times. Checked the brochure so I knew they had registered paramedics. Knew if I told them symptoms it would be ticket to E.R. Good opportunity to go face to face with all my fears of death, the kids, etc. There is no way I could leave them now and give them more pain. I trusted that if I had to, I would get inside aid station and go to E.R. About noon. An older man from Huntsville Alabama sat by me on the bench. He may never know the condition in which he found me. I had worked through part of my fear of leaving kids to a point of “God it’s your nickel,” “but if you get me home, I’ll go to Dr. tomorrow.” I thought about the conversation with Cathy and Larry at the gazebo regarding my will and wondered if that was going to be an immediate, purposeful discussion. The man and I had a typical chat about rain, picking cotton, and getting lost while angels danced on his shoulders. I felt relieved to know that at any time I could say - ask the paramedics to check me. About the time the kids returned, a thunderstorm came through and it cooled. Symptoms lessed and became able to walk around - no rides. By late day, I felt I could drive home. Upon going to bed I had my fears revisited much like the old man and wolf in my dreams when I worked on the tow boat. Heck of a day and major spiritual check regarding my greatest fear - leaving the kids.

Went to the doctor and he did x-ray, EKG, blood work, and all seemed ok. Residual tightness and weakness in left arm and chest. Breathing is ok. RX: wounded heart and fear of the Wabash Cannonball. Thank God for the angel from Huntsville. The kids were concerned, equally and separately, when I was more honest yesterday. I know I have never felt that physically at risk.

The hibiscus plant has 12-15 large deep maroon blooms - very pretty.

7-24-94

Many almost perfect mornings or evenings with coolness and all the plants and animals feeling so alive. Johnny and Delaine came by and had supper last night as Bethany came home with us after Ben’s party and she was spending the night with them. My little scare (kids tell) may help him to feel the need to step up. He wanted to give advice and reflect on his own experiences.

The globes work on the floor lamp and we found a simple flower stand that also seems to fit, but the room is fuuulll. There are 7 different kinds of plants in the living room.

Sethy is actively refusing the French paper and I have little energy for battle. I will re-work a couple of pages to try and break the ice.

In nearing the last page and revisiting this journal I know it has served a purpose. Our perceptual fields affect how we interpret, store and recall life’s events, but, more importantly, how we perceive shapes what we are. In working though, with my grief and the kids, absent chronicling, I may have lost sight of the ok times and the spiritual growth that is there for the taking,. It helps to remind of the ups and downs. Even the handwriting reflects my feelings and obviously they must reflect similarly in actions, words and physical condition. In rereading Seth’s journal written for him during his illness, I would have forgotten the many ok times we had if not for the dailey noting of the personal relationships and smiley play time. But chronicling is also distracting from the present and can also be a playground for the ego in many subtle ways. “If you love me you will trust me” is so powerful and frames the “giving up” that must continue. The deep attachment to my grief and the kids, no matter how much it hurts is so immediately real, can make the glass darker rather than allow God’s love and light to help with my healing and theirs. If I have learned anything, it is that we do not grieve separately, love separately or heal separately, and Pam’s compassionate presence is with us in all.

7-25-94

Must use this unlined page as yesterday evening allowed some tx for a wounded heart.

Two things.

1. Cry. At church during the children’s sermon. The pastor talked of scraping your knee and knowing that your mother will always be there to kiss it. Tears seeped to my chin. The kids took me to see “Forrest Gump” and I wept openly, particularly near the end. They, the tears, burned so badly that they must have poisoned my heart when they were still inside. I realized that recently, I have not been crying, purging, in proportion to the feelings I have. I slipped my hand into the kids’ hands to let them know it was ok.

2. Seth said he knows that I won’t let him fail. I asked if that is what he wants. He said yes. When we returned from the movie, he wanted to go on a bike ride. We did, just the two of us. (April 25, 94)

Thank you Lord