June 1994

6-1-94

I am appreciating more and more, Seth’s relationship, or lack of, with the cemetery. Memorial Day had little to offer as it connected with the cemetery, but much through Katie and flowers and baby horses. I believe Pam felt the bliss of eternal white light as she struggled to remain here. Her peace is in her merging with all.

6-2-94

Graduation tonight. Do I sign the card Mom and Dad? We helped decorate for the class party last night. Seth got a B on his chemistry final which was high-five time. Courtney brought home the poems she wrote in her accelerated class, along with those written by others. They blew me away. Courtney has written the classic zen poem:

Concentration

Focus on the dot.

Stare off into space.

Freeze your feelings.

Freeze your thoughts.

Lose all emotions.

And now you’re gone.

Also,

Dad floats on an angered lake

Compassionate for cool mornings.

Watching

Crisp

The birds like victims.

They become him on the ground

Everyone, Everything is still…

Emotional…cool.

I must encourage her to continue.

Pamela’s angel wings must be on us all today. I hope she doesn’t freeze her emotions.

6-4-94

“There must be something with this house that doesn’t like us.” Seth wrote last night that the house must be making me more angry and that he felt maybe it has something to do with Mom’s passing and Thor’s death and now Aunt Flo died Thursday morning. Having lived in the Crone house for 2 years as Seth was a baby, I understand the presence of spirit in a house, but the presence there was not threatening and Pam and I talk often of the definite, but non threatening, visits of Mr and Mrs Crone. Things were even physically moved that were so obvious and unexplained and connected to Crone’s past, but for whatever reasons, we respected this and it did not cause us to lose sleep. The Crone’s were two old remarkably spiritual people - theosophists and respectors of Indian (American) rituals. I still have the book they left called “Ocean of Theosophy” and also old baby shoes they left carefully wrapped in an old bureau. Seth may be right, but I need to help him explore other options and other relationships to the house. His mother loved this house and hopefully he can allow her love to redefine and direct the spiritual presence here. If not,...

The graduation party was fun for the kids and came off well. Good people with so much care for their kids. I was melty, teary-eyed all day. Mom and Dad, Linda, Mike, everyone came. Courtney and Jeni had planned for Courtney to change to her pretty dance dress at Jeni’s. She and Jeni looked like angels as we took pictures, particularly on their upstairs walk through the ornate banisters. At the dance, when we pulled the balloon drop from the balcony, you could watch the kids below. It was hard to do and tears seeped in the darkened area and do now thinking of it.

The kids played ping pong together yesterday and had a good day together. All the family (Moreland) came last night for a Jeremy/Courtney graduation party. It was a cool evening and nice. I had to run to Murphysboro to the funeral home. Jim flew in from FLA and will be here tonight. We are all pallbearers. Aunt Shirley said Aunt Flo is where she has wanted to be since Uncle Bob died. She is right and I understand the desire to have your spirit merge on another level and let the body be ignored. Fortunately, the trust I have in God and hopefully the understanding of his/her love brings acceptance of life in this form. I told pastor Steve the other night that “If you love me you will trust me” was a spiritual message that seemed to be a guiding force, voice in the stillness, for 2 or 3 years, and Pam’s passing is where the spiritual petal cones to the metal in believing that message.

I am disturbed about my continuing to raise my voice to Seth. Last night, when I went to kiss him goodnight, his room was a mess and I had specifically told him to clean in. We had talked earlier how we were doing so well. Soon as he says, “I won’t clean it,” I do get loud as a first reaction. He then gets loud and angry. Last night, after I caught myself, I just sat. We finally had a loving talk and he wrote his feelings. Despite Courtney’s description, there are times when the combination of being tired, lonely, and frustrated with Seth’s unwillingness to maintain what I think (and he doesn't) are essentials - cause me to lose my “cool”. Le is my teacher and exposes my vulnerabilities and I love him for that and how he is able to eventually talk through with me what is going on - certainly ying/yang.

6-7-94

Sunday was eight months since Pam’s passing and it didn’t go unnoticed. This morning there was cool breeze texture of bird sounds and dampness from the light rain. I made a rather early exit to the gazebo. In bringing the “dressing” to it I am trying to let items choose to be there. The little rocker was one Pam wanted recovered and she bought material to do so. I used old feed sacks for outside purposes (which Courtney hates). I’ll bring it inside this winter and use the material Pam bought. The old table from the Crones with the birdcage legs and the morning I hung the octagon plumb bob that was Ward’s. His life was a plumb bob and he is very special. I painted it gold and hung it to catch the sun.

Courtney returned from Six Flags about 11:15 last night. She wanted to play ping pong and I had nothing left. I’m finding myself blah and without spirit around people I care much about. Maybe I let my guard down and am willing/ able to acknowledge that during my shift (unconsciously) from head to heart relationships. I may feel a responsibility to be more upbeat and ok around people I know less well. Connie told me yesterday that she was feeling like she didn’t want to come to work and she was uncomfortable with that. I know. In trying to achieve the soul support at work, it seems to be blocked by a focus upon process (meetings, paper, surveys) rather than outcomes.

In engaging in church work, I must focus upon simple tasks. The kids and I could visit the elderly, etc.

6-8-94

Jim and Shirley visited us last night, bringing gifts from Scotland from Katie to Courtney. Very nice candies, cookies, ect.

Seth was reading the Tao Teh Ching and suggested chapter 9 would have been good to place on her gravestone. It is a change for him to consider a relationship to the marker. The roses marked in Pam’s bible that was read at the funeral was “Lay not your treasures on Earth where moths do corrupt…” The Tao, Chapter 9 is so similar - “Set store by your riches and honor and you will only reap a crop of culamaties” “Here is the way of Heaven, when you have done your work, retire!” I suggested we may use the wood carver to script some of this on a cedar plaque to place in the gazebo. He was interested. Thank you God for his searching.

Crystal Mays’ grandfather died Monday and Courtney was eager to get card, plant, etc. We will go to the funeral home tonight. She so much wants to reach out to others in many ways. Tonight after Jim and Shirley left we went to the gazebo and lit candles and all felt peaceful in the comfort of the flickering light and the summer sounds.

Seth said Ronnie was there for me when Mom died and I want to be there for him. Knowing how he hates the funeral home, I am so proud. If this was where things ended, the kids’ hearts are in the right place.

6-9-94 (5:30 a.m.)

The peacock is squawking. My heart is broken, When I went to get Felicia this morning, Courtney wasn’t in her bed. I looked all in her room, in Seth’s floor and downstairs. All imaginable thoughts exploded. She was on Seth’s bottom bunk, which never happens. I couldn’t wake her to learn why. I am sure I hurt her last night. At 11:30 I said we had to go to bed. She asked me to bring Felicia and juice (orange) and I stumbled and spilled some of the juice on the stairs. Not a big deal. She put Nikki on my bed. While waiting on her to finish in the bathroom, Nikki started barking and I went to check and she had messed all over room. I was frustrated and told her I couldn’t be staying up this late each night. Her response was “go to bed” like I don’t need you. I knew I had too much anger in my voice and asked to lay by her but didn’t apologize. We also re-lived some things at the funeral home last night as Debbie wanted to talk about Pam and it was difficult for all. Courtney and I want to go to funeral today. I am so guilty for hurting Court and must wake her and try to make right before I go to work. All things together probably have made her feel alone and will push her further into - I have to be the big girl. One selfish, frustrated expression can be so damaging to a tender heart. Courtney must understand it is ok to be tender as my heart is also and we must be helpful to each other. This writing is reflex and as a shallow expression of the forgiveness I news and hurt I feel.

At 9:30 a.m., I went to check on kids and they were waking. Seth said, “Dad, Courtney had to come in my room last night because she got scared reading her book.” It was a blessing. I asked why she didn’t come to me and she laughed and said I was too grouchy. I told her she always can tell me I have to golf off being grouchy when she needs me. I didn’t go to work and we loved before going to the funeral. While my response, in retrospect, was overreacting, it is an alarm to how sensitive I am and must be to the kids’ feelings. The thought of hurting them is my shadow of hell. My heart thumping and panic when I couldn’t immediately fix her scared me so.

At the funeral home - same where Pam’s service was - I was teary the entire time from visualizing everyone who went through the line - the service etc. Courtney was with me and wanted to help Crystal. Helping others is a part of her healing.

The kids did not want to view Pam’s body which is what she would have preferred. I gave them each two opportunities to do so. On the day of the funeral, Courtney and I walked into the end of the drive, sat down and discussed this. Seth and I lay in his room with the same discussion. The service was as they preferred - what a dumb statement!

6-12-94

When we received more insurance money than I knew was there, I told each of the kids they could get one special thing. Courtney chose Jazz and Seth wanted a satellite dish. We had one installed Friday night. We are now beam connected to the planet’s lower atmosphere. A crude form of telepathy and astral travel.

6-13-94

Yesterday Pastor Steve reminded us to keep the simplicity of the key to the lock - not over-intellectualize or process - just love God. Avoid spiritual arrogance. As one moves in over brain centered culture the delicate difference between the “ego - I” relationship to God and the “mind’s eye” of God frame our relationship. We want to stay in control and our ego is skilled at keeping strings attached. Rid yourselves of desire, love God and be here, now. Steve challenges us to clean out the corners.

I learned last week that Pastor Joe and his wife are separating - he had Pam’s funeral and we all liked him a lot. I sent him a note and mentioned that I had thought about the loss/separation from a divorce vs. death perspective. In a divorce you’re still in control and as if you have a choice. In accidental death, you feel so helpless. I mentioned to Joe that I suspect in God’s eye, they are the same. For the kids, the lack of that one last hug from their mother (and for me) this will be the thing most desired.

6-15-94

Seth, Courtney, and Papa journeyed to Carbondale to buy new eyeglasses, including exam. They did just fine as we had looked at frames when there last week-end. Seth is eager for the trip to Florida. I’ll miss him and his big heart. Courtney wants to stay busy with socializing. She wants to plan a big party here on 7/3. We are working on the conditions.

I feel like my spiritual growth is in need of fertilizer or …. I am sure that my expectations create much of this. This is where it is and the birds and flowers and kids all remind me that God is in all. I asked to be humble.

6-18-94

For 17 years, my daily ritual was going back into bedroom after early morning reading, praying, coffee and feeding - to softly say “time to get up baby.” It had to be soft or I was kicked out. I still feel that hole around that time of day. Watering plants, doing laundry etc. fall into that hole.

Nikki is allowed to sleep with me, first because I could know when she needed to go out, and now because she is cute and doesn’t bother me. She likes to ease next to me. I would never let Katie in the bed. You do strange things when you are lonely.

My son goes to FLA tomorrow for 16 days. He is excited and anxious and told me he has had dreams of missing the departure at J’ville. While most kids his age have been away, he had only been away for 1 week at camp last year. His leaving offers us nice entrees to share our feelings. I’ll miss him bunches.

6-19-94

Father’s Day. My son is in FLA and Melissa is here with a Father’s Day card from Houston. We went to Wood River for church and Pastor Joe had an admittedly tough time with the service. He appears to need a shoulder to let go on. The Quilters gave Courtney the Sunbonnet Sue quilt Pam had made. They quilted the blocks together and stitched a tag on the back saying “From your Mother.” I couldn’t hold back the tears. It was so strange to visit the church and I was mushy during the service.

Seth had a good trip and liked the flight. He was so anxious to go and planned well. A coming of age and journey into manhood. The kids shopped for Father’s Day and gave me

1. Spiritual Growth book from a purported Channeler.

2. Tibetan Book of the Dead

3. Ping Pong Balls

4. Jacksonville Jaguars shirt

Yikes!

6-22-94

A trip alone to Springfield yesterday allowed me time to explore thoughts and listen to Prine, Morrison, and Clapton tapes. Visited with two friends who had sent touching letters at Pam’s passing. One had lost his wife and it was extremely difficult for him to revisit.

From october until December when I started the journal, there was such a layer of spiritual energy that enveloped me allowing disconnection to time and space. My focus was the kids and I attended to other tasks as they presented. I both lacked the energy to write and the desire to try to describe, in any way, existing relationships.

I now remember how therapeutic it was for me to write thank you notes to people. Linda wanted to help, but when she came down, there were very few that I did not want to personally address. Sent about 150. I seem to connect in God’s love with each person as I revisited the love and kindness shown to us and for Pam. In taking off work that first week I had time each day to work through these. I would then pick up Seth or Court for lunch.

I always like the song, “I am a pilgrim and a stranger, just passing through…” That has helped establish my relationship to things. I only feel that now so much stronger and it allows me opportunities to mature those along mu pilgrimage.

6-24-94

Seth is missing up but “will be ok.” Yesterday a.m., I saw in the paper where Jack Kiefer had died. His wife was good friends of Pam’s before we had met and I had dated their daughter in college and we had stayed close. I went to see her yesterday morning as they were a very cloistered family. The service was for family only, at the house. I was uneasy as I drove, hoping I would be able to be supportive. I prayed that a path would be laid for my visit. It seemed to be as Kay expressed her shaky faith and uncertainty as to how she would make it, all pretty normal. As we talked, she said she felt that God had sent me for her. The kids asked that we stay in touch with her, which we will do.

Shawn J. came to see me yesterday to talk of his mother’s serious illness and how hard it is for him to accept. He is also reading a book now which talks of shadows. He is visiting her this weekend in hopes of some breakthrough. He was very touching, acknowledging how he is frightened by silence and tries to avoid. Once the seeds are planted…

6-25-94

Beautiful Saturday morning. The front came through cooling us down and cleaning the air and plants. From the gazebo, the world betrays perfection. We went to see the Lion King at the movies last night. It included a very touching scene of the cub losing his father, but in the context of the cycle of life. The yellow lilys are in bloom, circling the pond. When I shut my eyes, the bird sounds are better than any tape. They are punctuated with weak rooster crows and peacock squalls. The barn swallows are attracted to the gazebo and prefer that I leave.

I called Betty W. last night, as going to see Kay reminded me of her. She is doing better and starting to be more active. She said I needed a mate to help with the kids. I told her God will give gifts as we need them and the worst thing I could do is look for a mate.

I was reading this journal for the first time and noticed repeated references to textures and layers of feelings, sounds etc. That is now nature constructs and truly allows our unfolding as well as our protecting. When the layers fall away, God leaves the naked seed to fall and be born again. It is pretty simple actually. You must be born again! I suggested to Mr J. yesterday he note his definition of being strong and then the shadow - not being strong. He is taking off a week to “come back strong.”

The sun can play tricks with your eyes on the highway.

The moon can turn sideways and make the ocean stand still.

But a man can’t tell his best friend he loves him.

Until time has stopped breathing, the end of the day, all alone on the hill.

The bamboo brought from Simpson to Cobden to the gazebo appears to be handling the relocation well.

6-29-94

Playing ball the other night, I was pitching to Courtney when, as she hit it, Katie and Nikki got in the way and Katie was hit hard in the head. She started yelping and twitching and I thought she was gone. I grabbed her and shaped her gently on the head and cradled and rubbed her. Courtney and I both had tears in our eyes. When she finally appeared less distressed, I sat her down and she drug her back legs. After more rubbing and holding she seemed better. I was concerned about seizures and internal bleeding, but she seems fine. She is not just a dog.

6-30-94

Self pity is a feeling that is the shadow of living in the one eye light of God’s love. It manifests itself in thoughts like, “there are many parts of my job I don’t care about” “I’m not doing all I can for the kids” “I am lonely” “I am impatient, wanting something to restructure my time relationships.”

The 3 day holiday plus Tuesday to get Seth will help. I miss Seth and he misses me. I am thankful for both. Courtney is feeling shadowed by Melissa after 10 days. I will provide separate activities today and talk with Melissa about Courtney’s need for space.

In Hopi Indian language, time and space are the same, inseparable concepts. Einstein also acknowledges this relationship.

When feeling a hole in my heart/soul, I try to acknowledge that the hole is part of the whole. Like a clover cook, starting with only water, I must allow the hole to fill with the proper ingredients. The peacock is coming near the house again and is appearing noble .

Bathed with haiku stillness

First light on mourning lilies

Meets perfect day

(Only one syllable off.)