March 1994

3-2-94

Week days are so busy and I get very tired. Courtney has been up late the last three nights. Ronnie and Debbie Mays told me that they are having similar difficulties with Ronnie and school. As Jim said, “ it’s just the knot head stage.” I was a visitor to the growing up things as a kid, but I learned enough of the protestant ethic that I would always do my work. The harder I played around, the harder I worked. Is this part of God’s plan for us?

3-5-94

Thank God for weekends. I don’t know how much monger. I couldn’t keep this schedule if no breaks. It is more the tension of not being able to feel my way alone emotionally and spiritually, but being marched to time and events. I know that God is in everything and I must feel that, even in the business (buys-ness). Courtney is in Springfield from yesterday to tonight with Beta Club. Seth, Ronnie M., and I went to see Schindler’s List, a movie about unleashed evil during Nazi Germany and Schindler’s need to help some Jews escape death. It was so well done and such a touching emotional experience. No one left until the lights came on and even then, many older people were frozen in emotional time, unable to leave. Ronnie and Seth were equally frozen for three hours. It is a movie parents should see with their kids. I am not sure Courtney is ready to see and feel the violence and pain right now.

Mom and Dad came Thursday evening and fixed supper. They stayed with Courtney until 11:15 p.m. while Seth and I were at Alan’s typing a paper. (We got computer fixed for third time after movie last night.) There will be many summer projects with which they can help. Dad located a gazebo for me. Weather is beautiful and I must soak some sun. When Courtney is gone and Seth is busy, I wonder how it would be when they are grown. I’ll take that two week canoe trip alone. Alone is not the right word - quiet - still - in the spiritual present of that stillness, I do not feel alone. Today is 5 months since Pam’s passing and the old folks unable to leave the theater last night were caught in the same space. When you look through one eye, it, the pain, loss, joy seems as forever in distance and space, while through the other eye, it will always be right here. Courtney said the word “mom” yesterday morning for the first time in several months. It was in regard to the list Pam had in preparation for her class reunion. Delaine had asked her about it. A small, neutral but important step. I wanted to hug her for hearing the word come from her lips. I talked with her last week about the need to talk of how she felt, with an, “it’s not time” type of response.

3-6-94

Lonely to the bone - still in a dream - I cried at church, at supper and I realized I am still pushing a lot back. Thank God for the kids. They have become my balance. Courtney went to Johnny and Delaine’s to see Candi’s new baby. Seth and I have bached again. Court was worn out last night and went quickly to sleep on the couch. If there were going to school tomorrow, I would have kept her home. Jim and Joann called this afternoon and said mom called to tell them I was real tired and she was worried. Mom and Dad observed a late night and a follow-up. The physical I can take. With the warm day, I walk one yard and see Pam’s babies everywhere. She was particular about certain things and now will I do them for her, for me or for both. I’m still going through the motions that are most familiar; a garden, horses, etc. Having been stripped bare I’ll have to watch that I stay centered. The pastor talked of using our gifts I must be better at giving and must watch for opportunities. For what am I waiting? Seth said mom would have been proud of his shopping skills.

3-7-94

Kids were off school. I worked until noon. Seth had play practice from 9:30-noon. Court had to stay alone and she insisted. Preview of this summer. I called to check. Court is really upset with Seth. I had to talk with her and they worked together better. We wnet to Carbondale to comic shop, mall and to look at horse trailer. Then to Grandma’s and Grandad’s for supper and SIU game. I got tractor running today and felt good about it. Have to keep us together. Bread and butter pickles are an important and real contact to our mother. What will we do with the last jar?

3-9-94

She came to us in snow, a beautiful 9” snow Tuesday night. A heavy snow that bends cedars and melts them to the ground like a wonderland. Kids were out of school yesterday. I took Delaine to work and doctor said Johnny has a degenerative back condition that has been aggravated by the injury and he should probably not work with lifting. She feels he has aged 20 years. We’ll have to keep him busy, particularly when school is out.

3-10-94

My feet are wet from thinking this thing over - It’s been years since I’ve felt the warm sunshine. Mom and Dad cane down and fixed supper and Jack and Terri came by to give me the money for the trailer. Dad and I wired the truck for the new trailer I am getting. I think he wired it wrong, but I didn’t want to push it. I hope I am wrong. It reminded me of when I was little and he used to yell at me for not holding the light right or something - now I can do no wrong. Seth and Court are getting tired of school. We are all looking forward to summer.

Pam is the glue. Another day. I pretend to be interested in many irrelevant things. From 250 miles above this planet we all become very humble. Steve Heath opened me up to new possibilities and was a gift. The books he brought were so right. He knows Larry - an old hippie I worked with and who lived near us in Johnson County. We are all one.

I was struggling with an issue yesterday. I chose to take the perspective that Pam and Jesus were sitting together, witnessing my response, yikes. No way to lose.

3-12-94

Last night was a quiet, rest at home, Friday night. I offered kids options and they both wanted to stay home. Court was particularly tired. I worked on taxes and reviewing old checks and purchases was like a recent history lesson. I feel somewhat rested this morning. Reread Mattieson’s description of his spiritual awaking that coincided with his awareness that his wife was dying of cancer and how he and she grew during that time. The “eternal smile.” It is that presence which keeps me whole and gives me the strength. It was also God’s gift of having our last physical together as one of her expressing, by actions, her love for me, and me for her. Court prompted me, last night, to start writing in the journal they got me for Christmas. SHe was reading another journal I had kept. I started this morning, but am unsure of the perspective I should take. I would like to write from their mothers, but do not know how they would view this. We’ll see.

3-14-94

Up late last night and again tonight with Seth at play practice until 10:45. Courtney wanted to talk in bed, but she put on her new mature sounds CD and they are so peaceful, they put us both out. I want to listen as meditation as they lower BP and allow spontaneous imaging. I am in that space where I am so lonely for companionship but have no desire to fill that need. I was in a fog all day today like I got the wrong script here - what am I doing in Anna without my wife and with teenage kids. This is part of the plan. I had not been bone tired for some time, but am feeling that way now. Hope I can make it until kids are out for Easter.

3-16-94

Seth and I had a good talk tonight and he was very honest in wanting to change the pattern we are in . He wants my guidance but doesn’t want me out of the picture. We both agreed to try to change. Courtney and I went to Granny Anderson’s this evening for her birthday. Court said she is special.

Seth said that I have been more demanding since October - that I am not like I was, more of a buddy. He is right. I have picked up full responsibility and made it my goal, instead of ours. We agreed that Seth would set a daily schedule each morning and my role would be to help him achieve it. It is good to know that he wants my assistance. He thought I was playing reverse psychology by saying I would give full control back to him. I told him that I was just tired of arguing and that it wasn’t work ruining our relationship. He was very mature.

3-17-94

Bye-Bye Birdie, 2 nights at the play with grandparents. Taxes today and French horn shopping. I ordered two globes for the floor lamp. The kids stayed at Mom and Dad’s this morning while I went to Eldorado to have taxes prepared. I was as tired as I was around Christmas. Crying, when I have spare time, in my spare time. The other night at the barn I was running late and I had a flash thought - I better hurry or Pam will kick my butt.

Received a letter today from Debbie Brown-Williams -Vinyard. Old friend and wife of Ted’s. She has found peace in God and was a very touching letter. We grow toward the light, warmth and love. I will call her after 15+ years. So many who I have known and loved in the past have reconnected through the common bond of love and caring. We’ve planted some seeds that are being harvested.

So tired, moving on instinct and occasionally hitting black spaces in speech and thought. Easter vacation is coming. Should help.

3-22-94

I wanted to go to church so badly Sunday and kids slept in. I was real anxious when I didn’t go and could not disguise my disappointment and frustration. It was the first time I felt that I might lose emotional control - not in anger, but in depressed and edgy. Fortunately, we went to the barn and worked and it helped. I did tell the kids we were going next Sunday - no options. We went to concert Sunday night and was late getting home - let that pony run. Court is upset because I said she shouldn’t go see Schindler’s List. Sth could go. We all crashed last night by 10:30. We got pictures from Jim and awwJoann from August at Grandma’s house. Pam hid her smile. I am ready to plant memorials and still am intent on staying very busy. The wave of energy and love generated by so many at the time of Pam’s passing has subsided somewhat. I feel more alone even though “eye” know that all “I” need is right here.

3-25-94

I appear to have made it to Easter break without retreat. The cost has been a struggle with my balance of spirit and I am operating on instinct rather than in a rhythm. I am using the work “I” a lot and it reflects my separateness from the spirit.

Seth and “we” have experienced a lot and the focus needs to be upon building his self esteem. It will be one of the most important opportunities for me.

3-26-94

Gifts are there when you need them.

Last night, kids wanted to go to the mall, which was not high on ly list, but we went, Courtney and Amber shopped while Seth and I browsed before we ate. I found a book- “Care of the Soul” which is just what I need, particularly going into a few days off. While Seth did further shopping, I read in the food court and was energized and unaware of those around. The soul is not to be understood, but witnessed and revered. I think my recent frustrations have been a combination of fatigue and a desire to be in heavenly love and bliss at all times - pushing the river. The book gives perspectives of our relationship to our soul which are helpful - talks of our shadows we create in response to our belief systems. The chapter “Gifts of Depression” caught my eye in the store - we’ll see what it brings. We must not stiffen to the beckenings of the soul. My immediate analogy is the nurturing of plants. Like the Snow Leopard it helps lead me home.

Courtney is testing me around the viewing/experiencing of Schindler's List. Because I took Seth, and she really wants to see it, it has become a test of acknowledging her maturity. I’m not sure my hesitation is to preserve her 14 year old emotional innocence, or to protect my fatherly image of her need for innocence. We’ll see how this goes.

3-28-94

We are going to St. Louis today. Ronnie and Jeni are going with. Courtney fixed spaghetti for supper last night and invited Granny and Papa. Courtney was so proud of her first superior from the band contest Saturday. They are a good group of kids and help sustain Courtney and she appears to be well respected. Seth helped clean up after supper. I cleaned his room. I’m glad Ronnie is able to go today. Court spent the night with Jeni and Seth was computing last night. I felt the need to re-read cards and notes, and cry. It seems whenever I have a chance to let go, I find myself in tears, visiting the cards is a guarantee. Is it a need for further purging? A need to feel something? A connection with Pamela? A connection with the power of prayer and love? Probably all of these, but it is still something I do.

If these daily notes are to track my growth/journey, at some point I may have nothing to write.

3-30-94

A pearl of love and perfect white light of the eternal Holy Spirit lies within our hearts and is layered by our roles and beliefs - father, salvation, pain, guilt, sex, language, money, do things perfectly, son - Prayer and reflection helps us honor those layers until they may not serve the encapsulate the pearl, but serve as a base fro which the pearl is nurtured. Petals around the seed.

I have such a desire to plant things now, for Pam and for me. It is still cool today. We had a nice trip to St Louis and the kids buddied with Jeni and Ronnie very nicely. As they explored the Science Center and Union Station, etc, I had to learn to explore again on my own. Listening to the nature tapes is so relaxing, but when we can open the windows, our birds are equally nice. We must plan for Easter and I must be the Easter Bunny - (Low calorie).